


Intolerable

by midnightstreet



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:15:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26688781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightstreet/pseuds/midnightstreet
Summary: David has a new dietary restriction.Shockingly, he's not coping well.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 24
Kudos: 89
Collections: The Rosebudd Ficlets





	Intolerable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elswherefumbling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elswherefumbling/gifts).



> For elswhre's prompt: **D and P discuss what to order off the Cafe Tropical menu**
> 
> Thoroughly unbeta'ed - feel free to tell me if you spot any typos!

"Oh my god, did you _see_ that macaroni and cheese? It's not even orange anymore! Patrick, I think those were _breadcrumbs_ on top."

"David. No."

"Did you know they do a surprisingly competent margherita pizza now? _Fresh mozzarella_ , Patrick!"

"Stop thinking about it."

"I would push Stevie into oncoming traffic for some fettuccine alfredo."

"I'm trying to read my menu."

"Can I get some sympathy, here? I'm currently dealing with the greatest tragedy I have ever suffered."

"Mm, are you sure about that? Nothing else ranks up there?"

"YES, Patrick! Because it's happening to me _right at this moment_."

"How about a nice greasy burger, and just leave off the cheese?"

" _Patrick Anthony Brewer_ you shut your mouth."

"David, I'm begging you. I missed lunch because you made me drive to Windy Whistle Farm and back _twice_ because they gave us _spruce_ candles instead of _pine_ candles..."

"Correct is correct, Patrick."

"...and I am starving. Pick one of the 87 menu options without dairy - YES I counted last time this happened - and let me eat already!"

"Your anger is distressingly sexy."

"TWYLA! We're ready to order!"

"Hey guys, what can I get you? The special tonight is the gruyere mac and cheese with sage breadcrumbs. It's amazing! David, you'd love it. ...Are you...are you growling at me? You know, my gynecologist's cousin's neighbor had rabies once. I can't remember if growling was a symptom, but you might want to get checked just in case."

"Don't worry Twyla, I'll take him to Dr. Miguel first thing in the morning."

"Ugh, FINE! I'll have the burger, medium...hold the cheese."

"Are you _sure_ you're feeling alright, David?"

"Yes. Yep. Mmhmm. "

"Oh, are you on a diet? Going dairy-free does wonders for problem skin!"

"Twyla, hey, I think I know what _I_ want!"

"Okay Patrick, what'll it be?"

"I'll have...yes, I'll have a grilled cheese and a chocolate milkshake, extra whipped cream. Oh, and can I get some poutine too?"

"Sounds good, back in a minute!"

"Something wrong, David?"

"I want a divorce."

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry, David eventually learns that Lactaid pills exist.
> 
> Patrick's middle name shamelessly stolen from [ahurston](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahurston).
> 
> Windy Whistle Farm is a location from Midsomer Murders - specifically, it's the place where Orlando Bloom's character took a pitchfork to the gut.
> 
> I've actually had that mac and cheese, at a cafe in Upstate NY, and it's just as delicious as it sounds.


End file.
